Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
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I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Optional boss fight.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.