I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
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I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
i smell a pulitzer
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.