My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
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That’s what I call a flat tire
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?