My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
me and who
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.