Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer