If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
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me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u