“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
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Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
New comic up. “Ransom”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I feel this so hard
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.