*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!