HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
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I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged