Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.