Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway