The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.