Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Y’all know who you are.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My current situation
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact