The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
[eats all your cotton candy]
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…