Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
We’re all getting idioter.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.