Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
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*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Haha! 😂
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd