nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
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Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Sniffing the broccoli
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.