Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS