My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
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1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Every time my phone rings
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.