*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
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Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
“Huge”.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?