Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Clients after you give them your rates
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
channeling her this year
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.