Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.