flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
You Might Also Like
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.