Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
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This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.