Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?