i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
馃檳馃檲馃檴
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My clothes aren鈥檛 wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Me: I鈥檓 pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could鈥檝e died.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Of course my children don鈥檛 listen to me. I鈥檓 not YouTube.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
the gym I鈥檝e been going to isn鈥檛 helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 馃檨
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 馃槅馃槅
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
them: what鈥檇 you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I鈥檓 not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn鈥檛 work for a week.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren鈥檛 pretty. They鈥檙e handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*