i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
![]()
You Might Also Like
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
For the baby who has everything
![]()
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.