Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
You Might Also Like
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Dune (2021)
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
The Book. The Movie.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.