The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]