Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
and now we wait
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre