There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
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Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.