I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
You Might Also Like
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Somebody call the cops.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.