We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
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One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Who called it baking and not making love
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints