I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
pizza
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
You had me at “define legal”.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars