Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
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If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking