Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
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Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug