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ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.