I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
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Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
You are not alone 💚
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?