if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
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Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*puts words between two asterisks*
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.