Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
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Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart