Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
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I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!