I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”