Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
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Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
When your parents check you’re ok.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.