When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
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Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist