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Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven