Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
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no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
titanic
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”