i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
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Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Whoa 😂
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Good advice.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.