I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
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two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?