Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Chicken bread
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.