The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
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Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.