Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?