I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
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Pandas 🐼🖤
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.